Module one - week 4
the blueprint of love
limiting love lecture video
limiting love practice video
Get a pen and paper and ready to write some things down in this one
What are your self-defeating, self-repeating patterns? How do we limit the love we can receive? Where are you being stingy with your love for self and others?
SO, let’s get this straight.. Love is an Infinite energy source that is around, within, and running through us ALL the time. We don’t FIND love or happen upon it, we don’t lose it either! It is simply something we forget about or restrict because of the thick blanket of judgement, self-critic, self-doubt, shame and guilt aka... The Maya (the illusion) -All things that tell us we are separate.
We UNCOVER the blocks that limit our perception..the ones that say.. love is scarce and you have to earn it, work for it or do something to deserve it.
As we know...these negative mind states are there to (in a very backwards way) keep us safe. It’s the crazy things we had to believe so we didn’t have to experience something worse...like feeling rejected or abandoned or not worth loving unless we behaved in a certain way. These however, don’t actually work anymore. It’s time to take a look at what repeats itself in your world and get to the bottom of it!
Where do you numb out or when do you get reactive beyond what is appropriate for the situation...even if it's just inside your own mind...ruminating, not being able to let something go, anxiety, shame? When do you get stuck, blocked, out of flow? These are places that are showing us where our thinking has gone awry.
So, I actually want you to become aware of your top 5 limiting beliefs or behaviors and write them down to be worked with. If you can’t come up with them...notice where you don’t have what you want. What story comes up alot in relationships? I give too much, people leave me, I leave before it gets too close, I want more connection, more intimacy, more accountability.Is it a matter of shame or worthiness as the cause of why you don’t have it…
When do you get triggered?
A trigger, for those that don’t know, is a reminder of a past trauma. This reminder can cause a person to feel overwhelming sadness, anxiety, or panic. It may also cause someone to have flashbacks. A flashback is a vivid, often negative memory that may appear without warning. It can cause someone to lose track of their surroundings and “relive” a traumatic event.
Triggers can take many forms. There are internal and external triggers. Internal triggers are things like anger, anxiety, frustration, feeling lonely, feeling abandoned, feeling out of control, pain in muscles, tension, racing heart. External triggers are anniversaries, arguments, seeing news or places that remind you of an event, certain smells, holidays, seeing someone who is connected to the deep stress/trauma.
Trigger is a “hot” word and a lot of people use this term thinking that it just means that you are over-emotional about something. Really your brain is registering that the PAST is happening in the PRESENT because back when the deep stress/trauma happened your short-term memory gets shut off due to all of your energy going to the survival instincts and your brain doesn’t file it away as a past experience. SO, this means that we feel the feels of a past event like it is happening in our present...even though its not. The situation could have some similarities that stimulate the trigger but we need to recognize that it's not the same thing!
Where Does Your Mind GO on defalt mode?
Past vs. Future: If you are finding that your fav destructive thoughts are in the realm of anxiousness and worry then you are focused on impending hurt happening in the future. If your thoughts are depressed or guilt ridden then mostly you are ruminating in past regret.
Self vs. Other: Depressive thoughts tend to focus on the self, and more specifically, on what’s lacking or faulty about oneself. Angering thoughts focus on perceptions of being treated unfairly or unjustly by another person or a business enterprise or institution, of having been wronged or mistreated (“No one should be treated like this. . . It’s so unfair I just can’t stand it.”)
What I’ve Done vs. Who I Am. Guilt thoughts and shame thoughts are sometimes difficult to separate, but a rule of thumb is that guilt thoughts involve perceptions of one's own actions or wrongdoing attached to particular situations (“Why did I? . . or . . .
Why didn’t I?”). These woulda’s, coulda’s, and especially shoulda’s, inflict feelings of guilt on the self. Shame/depressed thoughts are also inwardly directed but tend to focus on general flaws and deficits about oneself (“I’m a loser. . . I’m a failure. . . What’s wrong with me that I always screw up?) There is an identification with who you are as a whole. I’m not worthy vs. I do things that cause me to feel unworthy sometimes.
Fearful Thoughts: Is a dreaded consequence linked with a specific situation (ie meeting new people, going to a party, traveling, public speaking) Or a general feeling of foreboding or apprehension that something is wrong.
Your negative thoughts and perceptions are just stories we made up in our minds when we had hard feelings that we didn’t know what to do with...mostly because no one taught us how to express emotions and that they were safe to feel. Culture/ Family taught us the opposite to stay fearful...let’s get over that, shall we!?
This is the first way to get out of a trigger! Breathe and remember that the past is not happening in the present and then create a state of safety for you to regulate yourself.
Now! How do we start to work with and heal this? We must start to get familiar with what triggers us! Hence, we are going to take a look at those top 5 negative patterns/beliefs. Notice what the FELT SENSE of your reactions is and then ride the sensation WITHOUT making up all the stories that go along with it.
Once you realize that a negative thought is only an opinion, not a fact and that it has no power to control you, the thought may begin to fade to the recesses of your mind.
We have to start to see that our disproportionate reactions are coming from a younger or traumatized time. When triggered, our emotional mind returns to that time/age when the trauma occurred (and remember...trauma didn’t have to be one big event, it could have been feeling emotionally unsupported by a parent or like you had to be quiet or pretty to fit in and get love) When you feel the sensation NOW...you can ask yourself...how old does this feel? What PART of me feels…(anger, abandoned, grief, loss)? You are no longer in it...you are observing the trigger when you can ask a question about it.
Key Note: Starting to identify the PART of you, separates you from feeling fully identified with this hurt. It’s not all of you, it’s a wounded part that is still charged and stuck in the body/mind. Instead of blaming yourself for still feeling this way...we will encourage compassion for the PART of you that had to experience something that was hard, scary or confusing.
Confusion comes a lot in this state! We go to confusion because something that we think shouldn’t be happening is happening. Confused by why someone would act in a hurtful way, confused that a person said one thing but did/had the energy of something else...like when someone says I love you but you don’t actually feel it...that’s confusing, right?
We will start to unravel the mystery of the unconscious at work from here!
SiSTAR contemplation Qs:
What are your self-defeating, self-repeating patterns?
How do I restrict the flow of love in my life?
When Do I feel like love is something that I have to work for, earn or do something to deserve?
What are my top 5 negative thoughts?
What is the flavor of them?