module 1 : the blueprint of love
Resourced in love lecture
Resourced practice video
ReSourced in LOVE
We are learning how to ReTurn to Love through the topics of ReSourcing, trauma’s impact, and how insecurities are formed AND the way they lead us back to wholeness!
What is trauma?
Trauma is the result of extraordinarily stressful events that shatter your sense of security, making you feel helpless and unsafe. Traumatic events can be life-threatening incidents like an accident, injury, natural disaster or violent attack. They can also be ongoing, relentless stresses like living in a war-ridden country, battling a life-threatened illness, being deeply disappointed, having a careless caretaker or repeated sexual assaults.
Trauma is defined by the way a person reacts to events. So a trauma to one person may not be a trauma to another. And some people can cope with the trauma and move forward quickly while others can’t.
Whether or not a traumatic event involves death or perceived threat of death, the survivor must cope with the loss of their sense of safety. The natural reaction to this loss is grief. This type of grief involves a deep process like any other and we need proper tools and understanding of how it affects the body in order to heal.
Trauma takes us out of our bodies and the present moment. We instinctively disassociate from the overwhelming experience as a way to stay safe. In order to heal from psychological and emotional trauma, we must learn to be with and face the root of our uncomfortable feelings, shame, guilt, and insecurities that resulted from the experience in a safe/secure way AND in the present moment. Healing comes from resolving the unpleasant feelings and memories you may be avoiding, discharging the pent-up “fight or flight” energy which lives in the nervous system, learning to regulate strong emotions and rebuilding your ability to trust other people.
SO, we must first learn to trust ourselves. What does that even mean…that we will show up in a caring, loving way consistently over time….this is how we start to teach the nervous system and our inner child that we are not abandoning them. When you criticize yourself or let the negative mind take over and tell stories of “not good enough” “not worthy or deserving” in the language of critic, judgement, worry, self-doubt, guilt and shame.
THE LANGUAGE OF YOUR INSECURITY SPEAKS TO YOU IN SELF-DOUBTING, JUDGING, CRITICIZING, DOUBTING, SHAMING AND GUILTING YOURSELF!!!
We used these negative belief systems and self talk to make sense of what happened to us. We would rather believe it was our fault then believe that our caretakers didn’t love us. It was the lesser of the two evils.
Most of these thought patterns were set into us before the age of 7, so we didn’t have the cognitive function to question whether the source of these beliefs was correct or not. We swallowed what we were told WHOLE and just thought that it was how the world was.
We didn’t know how to differentiate at a young age, same thing happens in a trauma because brain function is impaired. Our reptilian brain overrides all rational thoughts and does what it is meant to do…survive by any means.
So whether the trauma was a narcissistic mother, being left out in school or a sexual assault, we could avoid the real pain of feeling unlovable by believing that something was wrong with us.
Now as adults, we can intellectually know that these things are not true. We are good and have love in our lives, we are supposed to feel worthy…accept that deep down…we are still insecure…we just don’t show it or talk about it. We hide it because we are supposed to know better now. We compete, complain, and compare ourselves to other women. We are all victim to the greatest lie there ever was…that we are all separate.
Our emotional wounds will override your intellect and logic every time! This is the reptilian brain at work. It’s still feels unsafe so needs you to stay small and hide so as to not be exposed to being hurt again. It doesn’t think you can survive the pain of feeling unloved.
Your insecurities are trying the best they can to protect you. But now, we need a new way to stay safe, new tools cause these old ones haven’t been updated since you were maybe 5 years old. I’d like to take the reins from my 5 year old now and have her stop running the show from behind the scenes. Ponder that…your defense mechanisms were formed by your younger or traumatized self and you have left these tactics for survival unexamined since then! Time for an UPDATE!
The beauty of this work is that you don’t need to go back and relive every bad day or traumatic experience that you had in order to heal from it.
We first need to deeply imprint safety and security, not from a place of staying small, but from a space of real love. Remembering your blueprint and self-soothing and self-regulating yourself. When these imprints were laid upon you as a child and through trauma, there was no one there to tell you otherwise or hold you and let you feel safe. Mostly, because this was an internal process that your parents weren’t aware of or they were the cause of them.
WE NEED TO GIVE OURSELVES THE LOVE THAT WE DIDN’T GET.
When the mind/body registers safety then all the cells in your body literally relax and work properly. When they are registering that things aren’t safe, then the cell freezes and there is no movement or growth. Therefore, self-growth will.only go so far if you don’t look your traumas and insecurities. A lot of people try to change their thoughts to live a better life…which is great…it’s just not all of it. The body keeps the score and you are a physical living record of your experiences.
We first give the body SAFETY then we let the body experience the FELT SENSE of emotions that are yearning to come up to be released. AND…the body knows exactly how to do this without you needing to meddle or figure it out. The body has an intelligence that far surpasses what your mind “knows”.
So, in order to release a stuck emotion that is linked to a belief ie..I’m not good enough…We sit with the full wave of sensation that it produces without distraction. Emotion runs through you like a wave. It has a baseline starting point from which all emotion arises then something triggers the emotion and it rises to the full expression then goes down again…just like an ocean wave.
When we start to experience a challenging emotion, usually what happens is that our mind wants to distract us from the feeling so we have thoughts that hijack our attention and distract us from the feeling.. The mind distracts because it doesn’t think that the feeling is safe to feel based off of past experiences…I’d rather have a bunch of anxious thoughts then feel the unloved feeling underneath…that would mean I’m not ok in the world or possibly death. Yes…it’s that dramatic!
So, when we get anxious or depressed or disassociate…our mind is at work trying to take us away from pain. The more we understand this, the more compassion you can start to have for the PART of you who is insecure or anxious! And, trust me, we need to flex this muscle of compassion for ourselves rather than beating ourselves up for not having it “together”. When we see these negative thoughts from a place of love, then it’s easier to bring ourselves out of the struggle, faster.
We NEED TO self source, and give ourselves the love and validation that we didn’t get before. Literally, Hold yourself, touch yourself, whisper sweet words, tell your inner child that she is safe now and bright and beautiful and deserving of love. Nothing was her fault. Spend time giving to what you would give so freely to your children, to yourself. You will ride the wave of emotion and when you come back down, you validate your own experience.
It’s time to stop waiting for someone else to do this for us. A lot of the time, we are reenacting our wounds in our relationships. We are waiting for them to be the ones that gives us the love in the way we never got it from our parents. Except, that’s a set up for disappointment. The only person that knows how you need to be loved in exactly the way you need to heal and feel whole is YOU.
Self-esteem is the ability to see yourself as a flawed individual and still hold yourself in high regard.
SiSTAR contemplation Qs:
When anxiety or depressed thoughts are present ask “What am i afraid to FEEL?”
What sensations are underneath the thoughts?
What does safety FEEL like in my body?
When do I give myself permission to LOVE and NURTURE me? Can I be more available to myself?