Module 2 : dancing with the dark
& the divine
Babes with Boundaries
Boundaries are an act of SELF LOVE, Beauties…Period.
If you don’t have them then you aren’t relating in a healthy way to yourself or those you love. So…why on earth are they so hard??
What is a boundary exactly?
Wikipedia says…”Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits.”
It’s a limit or space between you and another person so you know where you end and the other begins. The purpose of good boundaries is to take care, protect you and keep you safe.
Did we get that last part?? When someone doesn’t adhere to your boundary…you know how you are going to respond…aka…there needs to be consequences for crossed boundaries or else they become SUGGESTIONS that no one will respect. Hence, weak boundaries are those that are spoken but not withheld.
The MYTHS OF BOUNDARIES
Boundaries are hard because someone might feel disappointed and not get to have what they wanted and yes…you are the cause of that.
Yup…someone might have to experience not getting what they want and...survive! They might have to actually be uncomfortable and know how to regulate themselves…yes, you might have to give the benefit of the doubt and assume that they are well equipped enough to do this.
Boundaries are hard because you risk losing someone or not being in their favor. This one is usually pretty unconscious. We know logically that most people that we care about won’t leave us if we develop some healthy boundaries around what we need but this is a lot of the time where the unconscious fear/trauma hijacks our behavior and feels like it's unsafe to have/hold a boundary. And we are left wondering why we “did it again” like we meant to stand up for ourselves or communicate what we really wanted but when it comes down to it…we froze and nothing came out of our mouths or found yourself mouthing the words “Oh, it's fine”.
Boundaries are hard because we think that it will cause conflict or confrontation. Usually, we create a far worse scenario than what actually happens…In reality, most of the time the people we love don’t actually mind or think it's as big of a deal as we dreamed up.
Boundaries are hard because we may feel alienated and risk being misunderstood. Our boundary might not make sense to the other person…it's not your job to make them understand! You have to get comfortable with other people not getting you all the time…in essence, you have to be ok with them judging the choices you make and get better at the “Art of not giving a fuck”. Don’t take things personally! People-pleasing is so last year…
Boundaries are hard because you may not know how to express what you want, need and desire. Most of us don’t know how to effectively and gracefully communicate to others what we need and desire. To express a desire you first need to know what you want… THEN, you need the know-how to say it clearly without sounding harsh or bitchy! It only comes out bitchy when there is nervousness and a lack of knowing how to be direct and loving at the same time.
Our communication comes from an intention to express ourselves to another for the purpose of deeper connection and understanding. Remember that you are not trying to hurt someone by telling them what is true for you. You are expressing yourself BECAUSE they matter to you. Our perception of what they will think sometimes really screws with how we say things. We twist ourselves into thinking that we are manipulating or hurting someone with our boundary.
Boundaries are hard because without them you don’t have to know yourself or how you feel. ….so it's’ easier to just “go with the flow” and be “easy”. Easy is likable after all…Yikes…and you have no idea who you are…that’s not loving yourself.
You will need to check out how many times you say “I don’t know” “whatever YOU want is fine” “It’s cool, I’m easy” These are scapegoats so you don’t have to ask yourself “what do I want, what do I need?” It doesn’t always mean that you will get it but you damn sure better develop the inner compass enough to recognize when something is aligned w/ you or not. Otherwise, you end up living someone else wants and desires…this leads to RESENTMENT AND DEPRESSION.
Boundaries are hard because you feel obligated to do what you said you would do and obviously can’t change your mind! People might think you are unreliable…NVM that it's not in your highest alignment to do it.
Why do we think it's not ok to change our minds or have new information that would lead us to a different choice (even at the last minute). You can have a change of heart at any time with no consequences!
Boundaries are hard because you might not say it the perfect way and it’s scary to communicate! How many times have you said nothing because you were scared of saying it “wrong” or sounding inappropriate? There is no wrong way to communicate as long as it comes from a place of truth within. Aligning w/ the heart's voice will feel light. Remember that your intentions aren’t to hurt anyone, they are to protect, serve and love you…our Divine Masculine taking care of us!
Boundaries are hard because its selfish of you to have them and think of putting yourself first. You should feel guilty about choosing yourself! This is an old paradigm thought-form…one that has seeped so deep into the collective unconscious that we really believe that it’s true. Wow…you are not selfish when you do things for yourself. Your cup has to be filled in order to serve w/ integrity and energy. When we don’t fill the cup we serve from a depleted place that gets served up with a big helping of resentment and martyrdom…wounded Feminine right there.
Boundaries are hard because they may have been violated or not respected in the past, so we have been conditioned into a state of paralysis or helplessness when it comes to holding them. Trauma is almost always a violation of a boundary. If you have really weak boundaries then, this may be a place to do deeper trauma work and honor and respect the process of re-wiring that you are worthy of having a boundary.
Some of us will have a great deal of difficulty with TRUST as a result of instability, inconsistency, invasion of boundaries, and even actual threat of harm or alienation at some point in our lives. Maybe you've become more vulnerable, more open to boundary violations.
Boundaries are hard because they remind us of our perceived separateness, even if it's aligned with our greatest good. Spiritually, our natural inclination leans in the direction of unity as an expression of our divine/non-dual/non-separate nature. So to merge often feels like love, however, we haven’t quite gotten to this evolved state yet. We first need to know who we are (know thyself) before we transcend who we are and merge with Oneness.
Whether it is a conscious thought or an unconscious thought, being what or who other people want us to be, tends to prevent us from honoring ourselves. However, do you even know who you are enough to have boundaries?
Your boundaries are not actually your boundaries until you know who you really are and what you really want. Authentic boundaries require authenticity.
When you feel an IDK coming…stop and ask yourself “What do I feel, what do I need?” Take a breathe and tune into your FELT SENSE. It’s always there to show you how you feel and, yes, you should care about this! Your IDK says…I don’t want to spend the energy tuning into myself because it's easier not to feel!! If I’m detached from what I need then I get to stay numb, unaware and liked.
Permission and Excuses
Another reason why we don’t have good boundaries is that we are waiting for someone to give us permission. Like we need someone to tell us its ok to do something for ourselves. I have spent many hours of therapy granting people permission to feel good and stop overextending themselves because they couldn’t see that what they were doing was hurting them!
Also, another trap…the only way we make it ok to do something for ourselves is making an excuse for it. I GET to leave the kids for an hour because I have a Dr.’s app or scheduled a meeting.
Have you ever lied about needing to be somewhere (when you really didn’t) just so you could feel justified in having a boundary around your time/space??
The Art of Saying NO
You have to start getting comfortable with your own NO and, inversely, receiving other people’s NO’s as well…without taking it PERSONALLY!
A No to someone else is a YES YES YES to YOU!
No’s (whether it's yours or theirs) have nothing to do with the other person. And, if you can feel that someone's boundary is about something you did or said but they aren’t telling you that…then it’s not your problem…don’t probe or waste time worrying.
In healthy relationships, we assume the other will take responsibility for letting you know if you’ve done something to hurt them. Otherwise, you will spend hours of wasted time wondering what you did or said that was wrong. Of course, we all do this because people have such a hard time communicating. So, if you find yourself in a tailspin of anxious wonder…slip beneath the story then FEEL what’s triggered. Allow for the process of emotional release and then Say…I’m not responsible for figuring this out. If they are upset, it's on them to let me know so we can engage in the process of repair.
And yes, this means you have to start doing the same. Take responsibility for when something has hurt your feelings and if you need to work it out with your friend, boss, lover, partner, co-worker… then it's time to communicate how you feel. No more brushing it under the rug and pretending it's fine!
At times, We do this whole avoidance dance because we aren’t actually, consciously aware that we can have limits, space and time to ourselves.
Some of us experienced too many boundaries ie rigid boundaries. Rigid boundaries are an attempt at control and having power over someone or something. This leaves us unable to feel like we have the right to make our own choices. If it was never in your field of awareness than learning what it is to choose yourself, take up space and carve out time for you may feel foreign, therefore uncomfortable.
And, in this space you may have more time to feel…not having boundaries allows us to stay stuck in the distraction of overwhelm “so much to do!” “I’m so busy” “I don’t have enough time” So sometimes, we are almost attached to not having good boundaries because it serves us (in a backward, negative way…like it helps us stay shut down)
Where does NOT having boundaries serve you in a negative way?
So…if there’s too many NO’s in your life…what would it like to soften into a YES? Yes, I’ll come. Yes, I’ll make time for that cause it sounds fun. Yes, I have time to drop in with you. Where do you need to slow down and spend more QUALITY TIME rather than getting a lot done (quantity)
Now that we have looked at why we don’t have good boundaries... let’s get better at them!
The first part of setting boundaries is examining the boundaries that already exist (or are lacking) in one’s life. You may see that you have healthy boundaries with your co-worker or romantic partner, but not with your friends or children. From there, you can decide what types of boundaries you want to rework and set.
As for how to exactly set these boundaries, it is always best to say "NO" simply but firmly to something you do not want to do. Do not feel that you need to explain. Not over-explaining is a crucial aspect of setting boundaries, as everyone has the right to determine what they do and do not want to do.
This brings up another important point: keeping the focus on YOU. Instead of setting a boundary by saying something like “you have to stop bothering me after work”, you can say “I need some time to myself when I get back from work”.
Another important thing to remember is that it is impossible to set boundaries without setting consequences. This means that when setting boundaries, it is important to explicitly state why they are important. For example, someone in an unhealthy relationship might state that they need to feel more respected by their partner acknowledging their budding career goals or the relationship may need to be through a separation period. It is also crucial to only declare consequences that you are willing to follow through on, or else the boundaries will not be effective. Let your Divine Masculine energy help you take action and stick with it.
The key to setting boundaries is first figuring out what you want from your various relationships, setting boundaries based on these desires, and then being clear with oneself and with other people about these boundaries.
You need to know what you want and what you value, first and foremost! Yes, this is a process and an important one…this week please explore what it is that you value. Respect, personal space, communication, honesty, self-growth, togetherness, interdependence?
Weak boundaries are associated w/ a third chakra imbalance. The Power Center gets weak when we feel powerless or need to have power “over” someone or something to feel valid and alive.
Your third chakra stores your sense of self. It’s about your intuition and your identity. It’s about how you see yourself in the world. Your self-esteem and willpower live here.
This chakra stores the code that says: This is who I am. This is who I want to be. This is how I want to be seen.
It’s a yang chakra, connected to your masculine essence which is about igniting power and will and making the magic happen in life.
The world around you really affects the third chakra. It acts like a large receiver that takes in the world and assimilates the data. Social codes are assimilated. Parental codes are stored here (think about the umbilical cord! It plugs right into this chakra).
First look to relationships that hold resentment, anger, shame, guilt or disappointment. What boundary is being violated or crossed?…you may not be aware that you don’t have a boundary where you should. Where have you given this person power by not holding them accountable to a boundary? Can you notice the part of you that is not speaking up or afraid to hold a boundary?
Now, feel where that lives in your body. What lights up? Follow the felt sense of that sensation and notice the part of you that feels disempowered or disrespected. Self-soothe. Give this part the love, freedom, acknowledgment that she needs.
Now, determine what IS needed and what needs to be expressed. Communicate, communicate, communicate…yes, it will be awkward at first but do it anyway. In order to learn something new…you have to have compassion for being a beginner…it's not always graceful!
I challenge you to ask yourself what you want in your life and to follow that up with boundaries to make that happen. If you want more free time, then say "no" to working late. If you want more passive income, than practice being passive. If you want better health, then treat your body differently. If you want more love, than love yourself with better boundaries.
So Mama’s, what do you want?
SiSTAR contemplation Qs:
What relationships are the hardest to have boundaries in?
Why? What are you afraid of at a deeper level?
Are you too boundaried in some places...rigid...stopping the flow of energy?
What do you want in your life that you don’t have?
How can you support having it with a boundary?